Modern Jokester Gifts

'Sure, Bob, now I remember you. I'm bad with names but I never forget a jpeg.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

A crab with a utility knife claw

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Beat it! Here comes the major and his entire staff!"

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'It's either a boo-boo or an owwie, but the doctors need to run some more tests before they decide.'

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Nobody at school will laugh at me."

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

That isn't what prove you're not a robot means, Bob.

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"Remember, the password is case sensitive."

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Henry's music career was ruined when a frog jumped into a glass of gin, and then jumped into his tuba where it is now permanently lodged.

'Classical music, huh?...You mean like Elvis?'

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"You idiots … we lost!"

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."