Mom Humorist Pillows

"'To the greatest mom in the world, happy Mother's Day!' So...was the store all out of greatest mom in the universe cards?"

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"Have you seen my dad?"

"Good news. It's a small pig."

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"Beds are not made for jumping on."

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

'The cool thing about being a kangaroo is that I can actually watch my baby grow...'

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie

'No not there. Let's try it over here this time...'

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

The Impractical Guide to having a baby.

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Where's your nose?"

"Which one's yours?"