Parenting Jokesters Pillows

"I can't continue working these hours...I feel as though I'm missing Michael's childhood...." "His name's Mark!"

'Cooooool! I got a womb with a view!'

'Take out the garbage?...Dad, that's so 90s.'

Possible Titles For My Upcoming Autobiography

"Congratulations! It's a pain in the ass."

Dad Trophies

'Did you find any clothes?'

"Everything looks fine. Now, let's check the baby's FICO score."

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

Baby sees bottle with math formula marked, 'Baby Formula'.

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

Raised by Dogs

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

'Maybe the batteries are dead.'

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

'Ever since I've started showing, my husband has affectionately called me 'Three Humps'...'

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"Good news. It's a small pig."

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'