Child Jokesters Pillows

'Maybe the batteries are dead.'

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Baby sees bottle with math formula marked, 'Baby Formula'.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

Raised by Dogs

"He said he doesn't want to see me in his office again..."

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"Hello, Pine Grove Elementary? Could you tell Miss Pritchard to come to Lakeview Veterinarian Clinic right away?"

'Ever since I've started showing, my husband has affectionately called me 'Three Humps'...'

"This should send the midwife off in a frenzy."

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

Dad Trophies

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"I got all Z's because I fell asleep in class."

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

'He said I have no cavities and that my breath knocked his socks off.'

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

'A boy at school was named after his father. They've called him Dad.'

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

MUM! I'll take the dog for a walk!

"Get me away from this crazy person..."

'Sorry mum, I had a brain freeze during the test...'

"Congratulations! It's a pain in the ass."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'It's either a boo-boo or an owwie, but the doctors need to run some more tests before they decide.'

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

'You want to hear me speaking my first word? I don't say anything without my lawyer, mister!'

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

'For no particular reason I want to know the location of our fire extinguisher.'