Child Jokesters Pillows

'Maybe the batteries are dead.'

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Baby sees bottle with math formula marked, 'Baby Formula'.

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

Raised by Dogs

"He said he doesn't want to see me in his office again..."

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"This should send the midwife off in a frenzy."

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

Dad Trophies

'Ever since I've started showing, my husband has affectionately called me 'Three Humps'...'

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

"I got all Z's because I fell asleep in class."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'He said I have no cavities and that my breath knocked his socks off.'

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

'A boy at school was named after his father. They've called him Dad.'

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

"Get me away from this crazy person..."

"Congratulations! It's a pain in the ass."

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

MUM! I'll take the dog for a walk!

'Sorry mum, I had a brain freeze during the test...'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'It's either a boo-boo or an owwie, but the doctors need to run some more tests before they decide.'

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

'For no particular reason I want to know the location of our fire extinguisher.'

"Young man! You turn the gravity back on this instant!!"

"Honey! What's wrong. . . Mommy get you a band-aid!"