Baby Jokesters Pillows

Maternity Ward - 'I wonder what his credit rating is...'

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Baby sees bottle with math formula marked, 'Baby Formula'.

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

Raised by Dogs

'Maybe the batteries are dead.'

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

"This should send the midwife off in a frenzy."

'Ever since I've started showing, my husband has affectionately called me 'Three Humps'...'

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

Dad Trophies

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

"Congratulations! It's a pain in the ass."

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

"Get me away from this crazy person..."

MUM! I'll take the dog for a walk!

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

'For no particular reason I want to know the location of our fire extinguisher.'

"Young man! You turn the gravity back on this instant!!"

"Honey! What's wrong. . . Mommy get you a band-aid!"

"I'm sure he wasn't that big when we went out

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'