Baby Jokester Pillows

"This should send the midwife off in a frenzy."

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

'Maybe the batteries are dead.'

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

'You've got restless wag syndrome.'

"Have you met my bodyguard?"

'He said I have no cavities and that my breath knocked his socks off.'

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

"Get me away from this crazy person..."

MUM! I'll take the dog for a walk!

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

Oh, sorry, it's in airplane mode.""

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'

'It's either a boo-boo or an owwie, but the doctors need to run some more tests before they decide.'

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

"Nobody at school will laugh at me."

Tree's Tree Nursery. Get this. Dad is selling those goofy upside-down tomato planters. What idiot would buy them? Thanks! I'll let you know how it works! My idiotic bio teacher.

"Young man! You turn the gravity back on this instant!!"

'For no particular reason I want to know the location of our fire extinguisher.'

'You want to hear me speaking my first word? I don't say anything without my lawyer, mister!'

"Well, there goes your theory of him thinking of you as his pack leader."

"Oh, it's always something now he wants to become a vegetarian."

"And here's one I made up called 'Mama's Last Nerve.'"

'But, Mom - I am watering the garden just like you told me!'

"Sure, my dad and my granddad and my granddad's dad were all domesticated. But that doesn't mean I have to be."

"Damn it, agree to whatever she demands. No matter what it takes, I want my mommy."

Son to Father, "So dad, tell me, have you ever larged it!"

Phoning a Busy Sheep: 'Sorry I can't get to the phone right now, please make an animal noise after the bleat!'