Little Jokester Pillows

'He said I have no cavities and that my breath knocked his socks off.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

"This should send the midwife off in a frenzy."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

"Merry Christmas"

A crab with a utility knife claw

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

'It's either a boo-boo or an owwie, but the doctors need to run some more tests before they decide.'

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

"Nobody at school will laugh at me."

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Men dancing

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

Kid in hospital has I.V. in him that is a straw.

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

"Maybe this year..."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."