Mom-to-be Humor Pillows

'Here's one I made earlier!'

"We offer free delivery if you spend over $15,000."

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

"Your mother called to remind you to diversify."

'Are you pregnant? How do you know? You look terrible!'

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

'As you're pregnant, I suppose you are eating for two? Or don't you want to cut down that much?'

"On no, the baby's breach!!"

The Impractical Guide to having a baby.

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

The Elephant in the Womb

Womb service: A special room service for pregnant Women

Maternity ward on the farm.

Maternity ward (door sign.. push push).

"It's a special place where they check the eyes in the back of their heads."

'I already have four girls. I picked out the names for this one. If I give birth to a girl...Jennifer. If it's a boy...hooray!'

I wish my baby came with suction cups so there was a place to put him while I shower.

"Hard to tell...He was wearing a mask."

'Would you like your ultrasound photos standard, high definition, 3-D, or 4K ultra HD?'

"I told you I was too old to have a baby."

"I'm sorry Perkins,but that's one option for childbirth we won't be using."

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'Give us a toot...'

Some blind dates work out just fine.

'The ultrasound went well: Now, we just need to agree on 1263 baby names...'

"I'll hold the kid eventually. I just don't want it to develop a false sense of entitlement."

"Don't you dare ask me again...ARE WE THERE YET??"

Where Box Turtles Come From

'Why should I? He didn't attend the conception.'

'I sentence you to hard labor.'

'And she's got the gall to call me chubby.' - Hubert's comment on a pregnancy.

"Coming down the runway, Rachel is wearing corn flakes, a nursing bra, and the same maternity leggings from yesterday."

Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Big book of daft names for kids.

"I should have started this three months ago....contractions play havoc with jigsaw puzzles!!"

'Believe me honey - YOU don't need to do the pelvic floor!!'