Mom Life Veteran Gifts

"Sorry sweetie, I can't carry you anymore."

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'If you take this job, you will need child care... that's my second job.'

"Use your inside scream."

"No, our company doesn't provide day care or maternity leave."

"I have been happily married... three times!"

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

'All I want for Christmas is my old shape back again.'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

'It's easy for you to climb the corporate ladder, you just lay your eggs and leave: No need for Maternity Leave!'

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

'How long have you two been married?'

"Are you sure they don't include children?"

Child on a schedule.

'You know your mother Dave, she's always on my back about something.'

"It's your mother. She wants to know why you never summon her."

Doctor Tries to Explain Breast Feeding

The lineup for mental health services around the building.

'Oooh, I love what you've done with your hair...That top looks lovely on you and have you lost weight?'

"Well, well – if it isn't the old crystal ball and chain."

"No chance of accumulating frequent birthing points in here. This is the only trip I'll take."

'Talk about tough days.'

Working Moms

'Noise? When you've been married as long as I have, it goes in one ear and out the other.'

"I figured, better the devil you know."

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

Mother and Baby

Baby Mums.

'Wait a minute! I want it stirred, not shaken!'

"Could you continue to work from home? We're enjoying not having you in the office."

"My child has special wants."

"I don't understand people who say children should be seen and not heard. Why would anyone want to hear them?"