Motherhood Survivor Gifts

"If we synchronize our tantrums, they'll have to stop talking. You in?"

"...until death do you a favor."

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

'Don't forget to take your tranquilizers Daddy, little Jimmy is coming round to play.'

Preparing for a new arrival

'He takes after your mother' (colour)

Holiday-Cancelling Headphones

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

'How many kids do you actually have?'

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

Mother's Whistler.

"Go, take the afternoon off, I'll babysit: he'll be safe with me..."

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

"I'm letting him soak."

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

"Sometimes I feel the only thing keeping us together is our fear of the children."

'Talk about tough days.'

'I think i cried myself inside out!'

'Muriel had a traumatic experience at a topless beach -- she was sunbathing, and a toddler attacked her.'

"What to expect when you’re expecting. Newly revised edition."

"The babysitter wants to know where you keep your vodka?"

Maternity Room: Push, Push, Push.

Triplets

'Oh, sure, the world gets a savior, and what do I get? Hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits!'

"Sorry sweetie, I can't carry you anymore."

"I wish you wouldn't repeat everything I shouldn't have said."

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

"Technically, I don't think you can claim to have saved your husband's life on several occasions just because you haven't killed him!"

"When they say to use protection... this is what you're protecting against."

"Allow me to introduce my wife - she's been giving me the silent treatment since 1982."

"If I'd known it would last this long, I'd have settled for the edited highlights."

"The kid next door is doing a school project on heighborhood success stories and wanted to talk to you. I laughed so hard I wet my pants."

"And a mild sedative for the kid behind me."