Motherhood Survivor Gifts

"...until death do you a favor."

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

'Don't forget to take your tranquilizers Daddy, little Jimmy is coming round to play.'

Preparing for a new arrival

'He takes after your mother' (colour)

Holiday-Cancelling Headphones

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

'How many kids do you actually have?'

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

"I'm letting him soak."

"Go, take the afternoon off, I'll babysit: he'll be safe with me..."

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

"Sometimes I feel the only thing keeping us together is our fear of the children."

'Talk about tough days.'

Triplets

Maternity Room: Push, Push, Push.

'Muriel had a traumatic experience at a topless beach -- she was sunbathing, and a toddler attacked her.'

"The babysitter wants to know where you keep your vodka?"

"What to expect when you’re expecting. Newly revised edition."

'I think i cried myself inside out!'

'Oh, sure, the world gets a savior, and what do I get? Hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits!'

"I wish you wouldn't repeat everything I shouldn't have said."

"Sorry sweetie, I can't carry you anymore."

"When they say to use protection... this is what you're protecting against."

"And a mild sedative for the kid behind me."

"If I'd known it would last this long, I'd have settled for the edited highlights."

"Technically, I don't think you can claim to have saved your husband's life on several occasions just because you haven't killed him!"

"Allow me to introduce my wife - she's been giving me the silent treatment since 1982."

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

'He's at the awkward age - out of diapers and into everything else.