Parenting Survivor Gifts

'How many kids do you actually have?'

My parents are going to abandom me phobia.

"Sometimes I feel the only thing keeping us together is our fear of the children."

"Well, your mother did warn us about the terrible twos."

Mother's Whistler.

Kid in corner to parent: 'When will I be eligible for parole?'

"Go, take the afternoon off, I'll babysit: he'll be safe with me..."

'When are they going to start carrying nerve pills in bulk?'

Jack Vinton, single parent stalker.

'You're on your own today kids - happy new year.'

'He's at the awkward age - out of diapers and into everything else.

'He's going through the terrible twos.'

"My toddler's going through this phase where he's constantly testing me"

"When they say to use protection... this is what you're protecting against."

"And this is my boy, Chris – the gift that keeps on taking."

"With another child on the way, we're thinking of putting in a panic room."

"I'm letting him soak."

"And a mild sedative for the kid behind me."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Even when he throws them on the floor, he doesn't want the peas and carrots to touch."

"My kid's a holy terror... no offense."

Mom, there's a simple explanation for this...Aliens from outer space.

'Stop pulling that silly face, Dear.'

Well, we thought we had childproofed the house

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

'We'll need lots of nappy changes today, the T. V. just said it's going to be wet and windy.'

"...until death do you a favor."

"But if I don't break stuff who will?"

'I'm not spoiled - I always smell like this.'

"Ahh...He's got wind"

'You've got the Vietnam 1000 yard stare. All new parents get it!'

That's my daughter, Alayna

"Has your mom tried turning him off and back on again?"

'Tommy's doing fine. I'm concerned about your poor fund-raising record. You sold only two magazine subscriptions and one measly candy bar.'