Mom Life Specialist Gifts

'Wait a minute! I want it stirred, not shaken!'

"Your resume says that you've got your Ph.D., your M.B.A. and that you've worked as a C.F.O. and C.E.O. but that your most important title and position has been M.O.M.?"

"Use your inside scream."

'Don't worry about gaining weight after the baby - you'll run it off during the toddler years.'

Open other end

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

"Honey! What's wrong. . . Mommy get you a band-aid!"

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

Going into the relationship, Tom knew Loretta was a package deal.

"I got the kids to try more vegetables by putting sugar in the salt shaker."

"Are you sure they don't include children?"

Mom and Dad Really Lose It - 1/4 Mile.

Child on a schedule.

Pelvis birth canal exit: Width restrictions apply.

'She's the primary caregiver!'

'Oooh, I love what you've done with your hair...That top looks lovely on you and have you lost weight?'

'I'm qualified to deal with any traumatic event because I've raised five children.'

Single parents.

"It's your mother. She wants to know why you never summon her."

'I know we hadn't planned on getting a bigger car until we had kids, but I think we need one now to accommodate the bumper-stickers.'

Doctor Tries to Explain Breast Feeding

'Talk about tough days.'

Working Moms

'It's no use he just doesn't understand the let-down reflex!'

Mother and Baby

"My child has special wants."

"Sorry sweetie, I can't carry you anymore."

"I don't mind having a bun in the oven, but I do mind not being able to set the temperature."

"I don't understand people who say children should be seen and not heard. Why would anyone want to hear them?"

'Inverted nipple? I've never got a straw when I need one.'

"Hang the expense. Next time I'll go by stretch-uterus!"

"Me and my husband had to try sixteen times before I became pregnant... What a night that was!"

"We know you're in there, Mommy! We've got the bathroom surrounded!"

'It's going to be a long school year...'