Mom Life Specialist T-Shirts

'Wait a minute! I want it stirred, not shaken!'

"Your resume says that you've got your Ph.D., your M.B.A. and that you've worked as a C.F.O. and C.E.O. but that your most important title and position has been M.O.M.?"

"Use your inside scream."

'Don't worry about gaining weight after the baby - you'll run it off during the toddler years.'

Open other end

"Honey! What's wrong. . . Mommy get you a band-aid!"

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

"If we synchronize our tantrums, they'll have to stop talking. You in?"

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"Are you sure they don't include children?"

"I got the kids to try more vegetables by putting sugar in the salt shaker."

Going into the relationship, Tom knew Loretta was a package deal.

Mom and Dad Really Lose It - 1/4 Mile.

Child on a schedule.

Pelvis birth canal exit: Width restrictions apply.

"It's your mother. She wants to know why you never summon her."

'She's the primary caregiver!'

Single parents.

Doctor Tries to Explain Breast Feeding

'I know we hadn't planned on getting a bigger car until we had kids, but I think we need one now to accommodate the bumper-stickers.'

'I'm qualified to deal with any traumatic event because I've raised five children.'

'Oooh, I love what you've done with your hair...That top looks lovely on you and have you lost weight?'

'Talk about tough days.'

'It's no use he just doesn't understand the let-down reflex!'

Working Moms

Mother and Baby

Breast Feeding in Public

"My child has special wants."

'Inverted nipple? I've never got a straw when I need one.'

"I don't mind having a bun in the oven, but I do mind not being able to set the temperature."

"Sorry sweetie, I can't carry you anymore."

"I don't understand people who say children should be seen and not heard. Why would anyone want to hear them?"

"We know you're in there, Mommy! We've got the bathroom surrounded!"

"Me and my husband had to try sixteen times before I became pregnant... What a night that was!"

"Hang the expense. Next time I'll go by stretch-uterus!"