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"We know you're in there, Mommy! We've got the bathroom surrounded!"

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

Grounded

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Sitting Up'

"Use your inside scream."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"When can I redeploy?"

"I'm not trying to change you. That's the personal trainer I hired's job."

"Irma, cancel all my appointments for the next 3 weeks, I need to go home to brood. Tell the board to only contact me on my mobile phone..."

"Are you sure they don't include children?"

"I know he's little, but he uses it."

"I got the kids to try more vegetables by putting sugar in the salt shaker."

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

Child on a schedule.

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"My dad put in a new security system."

'When mom went to work for us, did you ask for references?'

There, but for the grace of God, go I.

'If you don't like fathers in the delivery room, where will you be?'

'Except...That.'