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"We know you're in there, Mommy! We've got the bathroom surrounded!"

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

'Wow! I never thought it would actually WORK!'

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Sitting Up'

Grounded

"Use your inside scream."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"If we synchronize our tantrums, they'll have to stop talking. You in?"

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

By teaching the parrot a few key phrases, Marilyn no longer needs to nag her kids.

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"I got the kids to try more vegetables by putting sugar in the salt shaker."

"Irma, cancel all my appointments for the next 3 weeks, I need to go home to brood. Tell the board to only contact me on my mobile phone..."

"I know he's little, but he uses it."

"When can I redeploy?"

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

"Are you sure they don't include children?"

"I'm not trying to change you. That's the personal trainer I hired's job."

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

Child on a schedule.

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

"My dad put in a new security system."

'When mom went to work for us, did you ask for references?'

'Except...That.'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"It's your mother. She wants to know why you never summon her."