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"Irma, cancel all my appointments for the next 3 weeks, I need to go home to brood. Tell the board to only contact me on my mobile phone..."

"I see that he is growing as fast as your law firm."

Cat in a tank...

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

Grounded

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Sitting Up'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

"If we synchronize our tantrums, they'll have to stop talking. You in?"

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

By teaching the parrot a few key phrases, Marilyn no longer needs to nag her kids.

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

'If you're happy to demand feed we'll get along just fine.'

"Frankly, I think it's time we take a long hard look at cat futures."

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

'Mother will catch you!'

"When can I redeploy?"

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"I know he's little, but he uses it."

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

'Except...That.'

'When mom went to work for us, did you ask for references?'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'If you don't like fathers in the delivery room, where will you be?'

"My dad put in a new security system."

'If you don't like fathers in the delivery room, where will you be?'

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

"I've got him on vibrate."

'Text your father and tell him I'm not talking to him!'