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"We're waiting to have children until we feel our parents are comfortable enough in retirement to take care of them."

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

'Wow! I never thought it would actually WORK!'

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

By teaching the parrot a few key phrases, Marilyn no longer needs to nag her kids.

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"When can I redeploy?"

"I know he's little, but he uses it."

"I'm not trying to change you. That's the personal trainer I hired's job."

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

'Except...That.'

"I like it; but let's make sure we can get the domain name first."

"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."

"My dad put in a new security system."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

There, but for the grace of God, go I.

'When mom went to work for us, did you ask for references?'

'No Jennifer! I never head of mad broccoli disease.'

"I've got him on vibrate."

'Text your father and tell him I'm not talking to him!'

"Don't worry I removed the instructions."

"Our max is six M&Ms for poop on the potty but try to hold her to three."

"Can't you keep your parenting to yourselves?"

Sports Parenting.