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"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

"Whoa. Someone needs their diaper changed."

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

Common Core Family Therapy

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

Lady asking her fiance's son if she can be his new mother.

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

"Ours will be the first mixed marriage in my family. Dog people NEVER marry cat people."

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"All I ask is a chance to ruin my life in my own way."

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"Do let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you?"

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

By teaching the parrot a few key phrases, Marilyn no longer needs to nag her kids.

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

"It's easy to understand the theory of evolution when you have a brother!"

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"Act your birth order!"