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"I like it; but let's make sure we can get the domain name first."

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Sitting Up'

Grounded

"Congratulations. The ultrasound shows the baby is healthy, a boy and already knows more about technology than you."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'Thanks for inviting me round to watch tv. Where is it?'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

By teaching the parrot a few key phrases, Marilyn no longer needs to nag her kids.

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"I know he's little, but he uses it."

"When can I redeploy?"

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

'Except...That.'

"My dad put in a new security system."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'When mom went to work for us, did you ask for references?'

"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."

"I've got him on vibrate."

'Text your father and tell him I'm not talking to him!'

"Don't think of it as being grounded. Think of it as suffering the consequences of your monumental stupidity."

"I understand that by the time we've hit our teens we'll have them pretty much where we want them."

"One moment, sweetie, I'm just asking Google how I should react."

Introducing Guiltpressure.