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'This is the only way they'll listen to me.'

"I get the new phone, Timmy gets my phone, Annie gets his phone, Bobby gets her phone and you get his phone, dad, and you get to pay for it all."

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

Grounded

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Sitting Up'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'Thanks for inviting me round to watch tv. Where is it?'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

By teaching the parrot a few key phrases, Marilyn no longer needs to nag her kids.

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"When can I redeploy?"

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

'When mom went to work for us, did you ask for references?'

"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."

"My dad put in a new security system."

'Except...That.'

"I like it; but let's make sure we can get the domain name first."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"I've got him on vibrate."

'Text your father and tell him I'm not talking to him!'

Sports Parenting.

"Don't think of it as being grounded. Think of it as suffering the consequences of your monumental stupidity."

"One moment, sweetie, I'm just asking Google how I should react."

Introducing Guiltpressure.