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'This is the only way they'll listen to me.'

"I get the new phone, Timmy gets my phone, Annie gets his phone, Bobby gets her phone and you get his phone, dad, and you get to pay for it all."

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Sitting Up'

Grounded

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'Thanks for inviting me round to watch tv. Where is it?'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

"When can I redeploy?"

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."

"I like it; but let's make sure we can get the domain name first."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"My dad put in a new security system."

'When mom went to work for us, did you ask for references?'

'Except...That.'

"I've got him on vibrate."

'Text your father and tell him I'm not talking to him!'

"Don't think of it as being grounded. Think of it as suffering the consequences of your monumental stupidity."

"One moment, sweetie, I'm just asking Google how I should react."

"I understand that by the time we've hit our teens we'll have them pretty much where we want them."

Introducing Guiltpressure.

"But I am an engaged parent. Just the other day, I helped one of the kids with his or her homework."