Mismatch Mavens Gifts

"You guys have sold me wrong parts three times! Your ad says 'Auto y Rod employees are the friendliest experts in town.' What can we do about this?"

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

Micro Psychiatry Clinic. You have a full schedule today, Doctor. The helium atom will be here to work on his fear of heights. The white blood cell with a germ phobia and amoeba with separation anxiety are coming in. The DNA molecule will be here about an identity crisis. And here, in the sports car, comes a new patient, a carbon-14 isotope. Ah, looks like he's going through a half-life crisis!

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

'Gesundheit.'

'Surely they're not ALL still in their offices!'

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

'Dear Miss Etiquette, I'm never sure if I should say anything...'

There's a popular new health spa down there. The endorphins are having a blast in aerobics. Antibodies are learning kickboxing and the adrenaline is getting some much needed relaxation in the yoga studio. The only problem is the water molecules. Everybody is concerned about them! What's wrong? They haven't been seen since they went into the sauna!

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

Greeting card section: 'thank you' and 'you're welcome'.

'Apart from the pain I can't get my hat off.'

National Optometrists Association. O.K., whose idea was it to form a focus group?…

Politeness opens doors

'Out. How come?' - 'Off side.'

That's nothing. You should see what he writes in the comments section.

'It's every SNOW flake that's different, Billy - Not every CORN flake.'

'We're in a fantasy team owners' league, we locked out our players and came here to yuck it up.'

"Fetch! What about a please?"

"China Ministry of State Security Royal Infiltration Training Unit"

"Gesundheit!"

"Gotta go. My ten o'clock is here."

'They must have really listened to their mothers about chewing their food.'

'My socks don't match, but neither me nor my socks care.'

Have a nice day, if you are already having a nice day please disregard this notice. (reading letter at mailbox)

'I didn't do the problem because you didn't say 'please.''

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

Agatha Christie

'All those opposed, signify by using the usual sign.'

'I envy your metabolism.'

"OK, I'll tell you what I know, but I can't reveal my source."

Department de Philosophie

A guy steals popcorn from the man sitting next to him.