Midlife Warriors Gifts

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

Rock and Roll

"The third little pig is now a menopausal porker. I hate these hairs on my chinny chin chin."

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

'I changed my mind...I'm not thirsty anymore.'

'It makes you look fifty years younger.'

Altar Ego

"Don't kid yourself. Harold, you're no spring chicken!"

"The one day we decided 'To hell with hair!' "

Tragedy and Remedy.

"Still getting those hot flashes, Margaret?"

'But my mom says that 40 is the new 30.'

A Classicist Considers Taking Up The Mambo

"Well, did you get motorcycle riding out of your system?"

A sign hangs from the front of the Sunnyvale Nudist Camp - 'Join Today - 100% Off!'

'I hate it when teen angst becomes mid-age angst.'

"I'm trying to determine if the aches and pains are from an injury or just my new normal."

"The combover works even less now that you're using your back hair."

"I can't tell if I feel tired because I'm older, or I feel older because I'm tired."

'FYI, Stevens, nobody likes a middle-aged slacker.'

'My husband is one of those born again bikers.'

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

'Don't worry, fifty something is the new thirty something.'

'Why couldn't your father have a normal midlife crisis, buy a convertible, or even have an affair with some young bimbo?'

'I've been married to your sister for 9 years, so why should I be scared of you?'

Fables for the Middle-Aged: Goldilocks and the 3 Hairs.

'I've reached that age where I've given up on Mind Over Matter and am concentrating on Mind Over Bladder.'

"What do you want to be when you give up?"