Midlife Adventurer Gifts

"$100 for speeding and $250 for misleading the public."

"What do you want to be when you give up?"

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

'It makes you look fifty years younger.'

Altar Ego

'Come home to your family, Harold. You are ruining the Chippendale's.'

Midlife Madness

'I'll take it!!! Does it come in mid life crisis red?'

'The heavyweight division is wide open.'

'Why couldn't your father have a normal midlife crisis, buy a convertible, or even have an affair with some young bimbo?'

'FYI, Stevens, nobody likes a middle-aged slacker.'

"It's a great car, Mr. Tillbrook, but it's just not age-appropriate."

'My husband is one of those born again bikers.'

"Don't kid yourself. Harold, you're no spring chicken!"

"I'd like to have money for a sports car, a surf course in the Maldives, and for my divorce!"

"A lot of people get their first tattoo during a midlife crisis. We just question your decision to get it on your face."

'I've decided to stay in bed till lunchtime to see if I feel like a teenager again.'

A Classicist Considers Taking Up The Mambo

Cricket for the Middle-Aged

"Now who's a chump for retiring while he's still young enough to enjoy it?"

"Imagine yourself: driving up the coast, the top down, tears streaming down your face because your wife had no choice but to kick you out, this time for good."

"Well, Jackie, when I bloated up and hit middle age my TV career fell apart and I turned to drugs, and I really gave to say drugs were very good to me and gave me a second chance at life -- until handguns came along."

J.P. Dogsbody

"You look good, Al, in a midlife-crisis-y sort of way."

"An olive or a twist?"

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

"I never think of you, as, like, old, Jack. I think of you as, like, retro."

'I have this fear of the real world...'

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

Mister Mid-Life Crisis

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

'When I turned 18 something started happening to me every month. I started receiving a credit card bill.'

"Can he call you back? He and his mid-life crisis are celebrating their tenth anniversary."