Midlife Adventurer Gifts

"$100 for speeding and $250 for misleading the public."

"What do you want to be when you give up?"

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

'It makes you look fifty years younger.'

Altar Ego

'Come home to your family, Harold. You are ruining the Chippendale's.'

Midlife Madness

'I'll take it!!! Does it come in mid life crisis red?'

Parkour for the over-40s.

'The heavyweight division is wide open.'

'Why couldn't your father have a normal midlife crisis, buy a convertible, or even have an affair with some young bimbo?'

'FYI, Stevens, nobody likes a middle-aged slacker.'

"It's a great car, Mr. Tillbrook, but it's just not age-appropriate."

'My husband is one of those born again bikers.'

"Don't kid yourself. Harold, you're no spring chicken!"

"I'd like to have money for a sports car, a surf course in the Maldives, and for my divorce!"

"A lot of people get their first tattoo during a midlife crisis. We just question your decision to get it on your face."

'I've decided to stay in bed till lunchtime to see if I feel like a teenager again.'

A Classicist Considers Taking Up The Mambo

Cricket for the Middle-Aged

"Now who's a chump for retiring while he's still young enough to enjoy it?"

"Imagine yourself: driving up the coast, the top down, tears streaming down your face because your wife had no choice but to kick you out, this time for good."

He comes by sometimes to tell me he quit my job, bought a convertible and is going to open a brewpub. Midlife crisis actor.

Our secret midlife crisis fling is still on track for June of 2018. Almost. Almost? That's right. You're not exactly doing your part. Where are the tattoos I designed for you? Where are the six-pack abs? If you'd been following the meal and workout plan I sent you, you'd have six-pack abs by now. you were serious about -- Have you even started the Rosetta Stone French lessons I gifted you? The pillow talk is supposed to be in French. Can't we just use Google translate? Beep beep. Unacceptable. D

Three years ago during a special episode of the Ask Sadie show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she can deal with her midlife crisis. Dear Meanie, You should admit that it's a little late to worry about your "midlife crisis." We all know you dealt with that a while ago ... by having a wild fling with a dinosaur. Which is probably the real reason they went extinct. - Evelyn W. Seattle, WA. P.S. Be nice to Rudy!! I'd like to point out two things: (1) I am part Tyrannos

"Well, Jackie, when I bloated up and hit middle age my TV career fell apart and I turned to drugs, and I really gave to say drugs were very good to me and gave me a second chance at life -- until handguns came along."

J.P. Dogsbody

"You look good, Al, in a midlife-crisis-y sort of way."

"An olive or a twist?"

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

"I never think of you, as, like, old, Jack. I think of you as, like, retro."

'I have this fear of the real world...'

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

Mister Mid-Life Crisis