Midlife Explorer Gifts

"I need to find out if I'm working to live or just living to work. Pull together the numbers that make sense out of it all."

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

"Lately, I find myself questioning everything. Like, why did I just say, 'Stick 'em up?' 'Gimme your wallet' is what I really meant. That's what really matters."

"Well, did you get motorcycle riding out of your system?"

"Don't patronize me. Nobody cares what I think anymore. Go ask Dr. Phil."

Rambler encounters an existential signpost.

"Do you like it? I got it right here on Madison at Executive Ponytails."

"The one day we decided 'To hell with hair!' "

"I have this recurring dream where I leave my wife and run off with one of my graduate students. What do you think it means?"

I'm 40! Oh. Well happy birthday. A lot of people wouldn't be happy about turning 40. But I'm thrilled! I've been looking forward to my midlife crisis for a long time. I've got it all planned. First I'm going to buy a sports car. Then I'm going to leave my family for someone half my age who really GETS me. Then we're going to embark on a road trip filled with booze, shoplifting and debauchery. Anyway, what's your most dangerous drink? I want something that says "I'm letting the tiger in me out to

"I can't tell if I feel tired because I'm older, or I feel older because I'm tired."

'Dad, what were you like when you weren't a kid?'

"I realize you've been at loose ends lately, but having your ears pierced is not the answer."

"I never thought about coloring my hair until I coughed up a gray hair ball."

Mister Mid-Life Crisis

"Your contents have shifted."

Micro Psychiatry Clinic. You have a full schedule today, Doctor. The helium atom will be here to work on his fear of heights. The white blood cell with a germ phobia and amoeba with separation anxiety are coming in. The DNA molecule will be here about an identity crisis. And here, in the sports car, comes a new patient, a carbon-14 isotope. Ah, looks like he's going through a half-life crisis!

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

'Unfortunately, there's no cure. It's called growing older.'

"Can he call you back? He and his mid-life crisis are celebrating their tenth anniversary."

Speedo Limit: 21 Years

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

"What would you suggest to fill the dark, empty spaces in my soul?"

Midlife: You Are Here.

Menopause and the City

"I've come to stage in my life-cycle where just landing on stuff isn't good enough anymore."

"Fill'er up with testosterone."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

'It makes you look fifty years younger.'

Altar Ego

'I appreciate the fact that your husband likes my bike, but can you tell him to quit drooling all over it?'

Middle Age: When the four letter word you use most is 'What?'

Clair regretted having her husband sit in while her doctor described possible side effects of menopause.