Middle-aged Warriors Gifts

'I've reached that age where I've given up on Mind Over Matter and am concentrating on Mind Over Bladder.'

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

"Honestly, Paula, I don't know what I'd do without our daily keggers."

"Get up at 7; leave for school by 8; no video games until after homework is done -- how about some regulatory relief?"

"It's time we discuss menopause and climax change."

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

This is what Fred gets for wishing for more hair.

'She's left herself go: She has barnacles everywhere now...'

Randolph maintains a stiff upper lip while the rest of him just goes to hell.

"Do you think we're a storybook romance transformed into a textbook case?"

"I'm trying to determine if the aches and pains are from an injury or just my new normal."

"I signed up for 'Dressage Without the Horse.'"

'You know you're 40 when...'

"Armand, which summer did we become chair people?"

"I miss expense accounts."

"I'm old. What's good for that?"

'No batteries needed, but you have to be menopausal to make them work.'

"I hate how my Mom is so cheerful my first day back to school."

Girl to mom about report card: 'Second grade is hard because all of my training was in the first grade.'

'Look, can't you take it in turns to do the daily Sudoku?'

'She says she's 40 but she's forgotten to add on the V.A.T.!'

"I'm not actually 40 this year but that's the birthday I celebrate every year."

'Uh-oh, teacher burnout!'

'Don't blame me. They won't let me pray in school.'

"Body milk is rubbish! Not only does it taste awful in my coffee but I still have my wrinkles!"

Middle-Aged Punk...

"Exactly what type of hormone replacement therapy are you taking?"

"I'm way past mid-life crisis and knee-deep in old age rage!"

Quitting smoking isn't easy!

"I was attracted to his 'come to bed eyes', but over the years they've become 'go to sleep eyes'."

Life Begins at 40