Midlife Warriors Pillows

"My once perky chicken breasts hang like flapjacks, I don't lay eggs anymore, I'm burning up with hot flashes, I'm...."

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

Rock and Roll

"The third little pig is now a menopausal porker. I hate these hairs on my chinny chin chin."

'I changed my mind...I'm not thirsty anymore.'

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

'It makes you look fifty years younger.'

Altar Ego

"Don't kid yourself. Harold, you're no spring chicken!"

"The one day we decided 'To hell with hair!' "

Tragedy and Remedy.

"Still getting those hot flashes, Margaret?"

'Dad, what were you like when you weren't a kid?'

I'm 40! Oh. Well happy birthday. A lot of people wouldn't be happy about turning 40. But I'm thrilled! I've been looking forward to my midlife crisis for a long time. I've got it all planned. First I'm going to buy a sports car. Then I'm going to leave my family for someone half my age who really GETS me. Then we're going to embark on a road trip filled with booze, shoplifting and debauchery. Anyway, what's your most dangerous drink? I want something that says "I'm letting the tiger in me out to

A Classicist Considers Taking Up The Mambo

'But my mom says that 40 is the new 30.'

Parkour for the over-40s.

"This next one's for you, babe."

He comes by sometimes to tell me he quit my job, bought a convertible and is going to open a brewpub. Midlife crisis actor.

"Well, did you get motorcycle riding out of your system?"

"I'm trying to determine if the aches and pains are from an injury or just my new normal."

'I hate it when teen angst becomes mid-age angst.'

A sign hangs from the front of the Sunnyvale Nudist Camp - 'Join Today - 100% Off!'

'I've been married to your sister for 9 years, so why should I be scared of you?'

Fables for the Middle-Aged: Goldilocks and the 3 Hairs.

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

"The combover works even less now that you're using your back hair."

'Don't worry, fifty something is the new thirty something.'

'My husband is one of those born again bikers.'

"I can't tell if I feel tired because I'm older, or I feel older because I'm tired."

'FYI, Stevens, nobody likes a middle-aged slacker.'

'Why couldn't your father have a normal midlife crisis, buy a convertible, or even have an affair with some young bimbo?'

'I've reached that age where I've given up on Mind Over Matter and am concentrating on Mind Over Bladder.'