Medical Staff Gifts

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

'We're to spend more time engaging with patients on a more compassionate 'human' level...and here are the guidelines on how to do it!'

'I'm thinking of cutting my hours down to 24/7.'

'Sure we're underfunded, but we manage!'

'Dr.Kittle is now taking bids for his ten o'clock appointment on Tuesday.'

'Yes, I fasted for the blood test, if you count the four hours in the waiting room.'

"Stiff neck, blurred vision, and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, all due to extended time in front of a computer. I think I just discovered the ICD-10 code for my job!"

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."

'Really? ..So when I said I'd found you a bed, you thought you'd have it all to yourself?!'

"Congratulations! I think we got it all."

'Clamp.' - 'So, staff shortages are getting serious.'

It's a text from the patient. He says 'more anesthetic, please.'"

"So...I totally botched your surgery, but let's not get bogged down with recriminations and blame. It's time to unify."

"We don't let computers mess up your medical records. We do it by hand."

"He has a pretty rare blood group."

"Who's the sickest?"

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

'Careful with this next patient. He's not very litigious but he is a prolific online reviewer.'

NHS targets.

'Excuse me, but is now the right time for the surgeon to be buying an RV online?'

'Urology Department. Can you hold?'

'Relax. We had lunch during your surgery. That's a burger, not a gall bladder in the doggie bag.'

'Oh great, these guys again! The big guy can't fit inside the MRI scanner, sheet boy falls right through it, and The Count's images never develop...'

'This is what telemedicine looks like for a small practice like ours.'

Doctor in Iraq - 'I got fed-up with the violence in A&E.'

'The doctors ruled out a remarkable recovery. You'll get better, they just don't think it'll be all that remarkable.'

"How would you deal with patients angry at having to wait for appointments?"

A&E - 'Let me through! I've got cuts!'

Radiologist's Selfie

'If I cancel an hour before my appointment, you charge me. I've just waited an hour past my appointment time in your waiting room. This is my bill.'

Out of Emergency into Doctor's Lounge

Vasectomy Clinic Waiting Room

Ambulance Paramedic making the 'Nee Naw' noise.

'You haven't touched your lunch.'

NHS application system: 'Let me in! I'm a Junior Doctor!'