Medical Professionals Gifts

"Do a double-blind test. Give the new drug to rich patients and a placebo to the poor. No sense getting their hopes up. They couldn't afford it even if it works."

Pavlov's Dog.

"You can't list your iPhone as your primary-care physician."

"I'm afraid that your irritable bowel syndrome has progressed. You now have furious and vindictive bowel syndrome."

"Of course, it's a highly experimental procedure, but we're trying out new techniques from other disciplines all the time."

NHS very direct - 'You have a terminal illness and you are going to die. Thanks for your call...'

"Keep my fingers crossed! Is that it?"

"On reflection, I admit the hernia stitches were too tight."

Doctors Without Boundaries

Dr Davies began to wish that charades had never been invented

'It looks like your son hasn't changed his underwear in a year,'

"Dammit! I swallowed another one!"

'Remember the NHS ethos; if it ain't broke, break it. Then make sure it can't be mended.'

'The trouble with you doctors is that you don't really understand what the NHS is for.'

Clean underwear for sale.

Discount surgery: 'True, we do use a set of steak knives, but they're clean and very, very sharp.'

Your surgeon today has a handicap of 4.

'We can do extensive blood work, take x-rays, check your prostate. . .or I could sell you some great weed for $50.'

"Why the long face?"

'I think that new 'Doctor's' font is interesting, but I can't read it.'

"There's gotta be an easier way to get candy from a baby."

The Chiropractor - 'I've been looking forward to this all week!'

Scary surgery

'I'd like to put this tongue depressor in your mouth. Will you please sign the waiver?'

"Let me through! I'm a quack."

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

"Would you like to cut the cord?"

Doctors talking about ways to confuse patients with jargon.

"Should I phone my husband now or wait until he sees me on tv?"

'I like same day surgery. We were in and out of the hospital before they had a chance to bill you.'

Heyyy, don't worry about a thing. One more energy drink and I'll have you sliced and sutured in no time!

"I was just wondering how our lives would have turned out if the Rhinocratic oath had caught on."

'We decided to change the name of our practice to appeal to the young, hip demographic.'

"It's the worst part of working here...spending so much time with people at the end of their tether, ill, stressed, desperate for help..."

"I don't doubt that there's a totally awesome DIY life hack for this, but right now, why don't we just go with a #7 scalpel?"