Medical Professionals Pillows

"Do a double-blind test. Give the new drug to rich patients and a placebo to the poor. No sense getting their hopes up. They couldn't afford it even if it works."

Pavlov's Dog.

"You can't list your iPhone as your primary-care physician."

"I'm afraid that your irritable bowel syndrome has progressed. You now have furious and vindictive bowel syndrome."

"Of course, it's a highly experimental procedure, but we're trying out new techniques from other disciplines all the time."

'That's how much time your HMO allots for bypass surgery.'

NHS very direct - 'You have a terminal illness and you are going to die. Thanks for your call...'

"Keep my fingers crossed! Is that it?"

"On reflection, I admit the hernia stitches were too tight."

Doctors Without Boundaries

Dr Davies began to wish that charades had never been invented

'What the... there's the gold earring I lost when we did his triple bypass four years ago.'

'It looks like your son hasn't changed his underwear in a year,'

Discount surgery: 'True, we do use a set of steak knives, but they're clean and very, very sharp.'

'I think that new 'Doctor's' font is interesting, but I can't read it.'

"Dammit! I swallowed another one!"

Your surgeon today has a handicap of 4.

"Why the long face?"

'Remember the NHS ethos; if it ain't broke, break it. Then make sure it can't be mended.'

Clean underwear for sale.

'The trouble with you doctors is that you don't really understand what the NHS is for.'

'We can do extensive blood work, take x-rays, check your prostate. . .or I could sell you some great weed for $50.'

The Chiropractor - 'I've been looking forward to this all week!'

"There's gotta be an easier way to get candy from a baby."

'I'd like to put this tongue depressor in your mouth. Will you please sign the waiver?'

Scary surgery

"These new coats are a Godsend."

"Let me through! I'm a quack."

Pay Hospital Bill Here.

"I don't doubt that there's a totally awesome DIY life hack for this, but right now, why don't we just go with a #7 scalpel?"

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

Eeenie Meenie Minnie Mo

'Why on earth would you want to do a 'First Aid' course?'

You have back-breaking syndrome. Throw away your credit cards, refinance your mortgage and switch the kids out of private schools into public schools.

"I was just wondering how our lives would have turned out if the Rhinocratic oath had caught on."