Mattress Salesperson Gifts

"The Firminator. One inch of foam over cement blocks."

Mattress salesmen are creepy. Especially the ones that lie down on the bed with you.

"OK, I think it's time for you to close the deal."

Your friend, Ernie, is an impressive, multi-talented guy! He's been a actor in the theater, in archeologist, and now he's a diplomat! He hasn't been any of those things. He used to install doors. Oh, he told me he was "applauded for his entrances." And he was an inspector, book for expired yogurt, at the dairy warehouse. He said he "searcher for ancient cultures." Now he sells mattresses. You think he's a diplomat? Yeah, he told me he's "devoted to eliminating unrest in the world"

'OVERSLEPT? All four thousand of them???'

"Do you have anything a little firmer?"

"Perfect! I like a firm mattress and he likes it soft."

'This one's good if you like to toss and turn all night.'

'I'd like to match this credenza.'

'Make up your mind, folks... King size or Queen size?'

'This was designed for people who have mastered easy chairs and want to attempt something more difficult.'

"Pretty cushy, am I right?"

"Well, do you want to buy this sofa or not? You've been on it for three days!"

'Darling...I'm afraid the sofa salesmen got the better of me.'

'Today a ray of hope . . .'

"How about moving in a little closer?"

Mattress makers picketing in front of factory are sleepwalking.

Furniture. I don't care what style. I just want a couch that matches her fur.

"If you haven't got a TV, what do you point your furniture at?"

"Hillary Clinton is polling well here. Sales off pants suits are up."

'Now THAT'S what I call a love seat!'

"A secure and restful sleep is guaranteed when this mattress is stuffed with your own money."

'Now, that's what I call a deathbed!'

"Counting sheep is the quickest way to fall asleep...and with this sheep number mattress, you can say 'BAA-BAA' to sheepless nights forever."

"I'm looking for something with low clearance. Something monsters won't be able to get under."

Giant Sale: 'I said it was simply a misunderstanding.'

Water bed.

"Firm yet comfortable, with 420 individual spring posture coils to enhance support. Perfect for hiding under."

"I guess you should have read the fine print on that tag before you ripped it off the mattress."

"We've got just the thing for someone your age...all our mattresses are made with memory foam."

The domino effect.

'I won't be coming to see you again. I've purchased a therapeutic mattress.'

"Maybe we shouldn't have chosen to buy the super springy mattress!"

'Frank! Cut that out and get back to work!'

'Plus, you get to keep any change you happen to find under the cushions.'