Carpet Salesman Gifts

'The berber of Seville.'

'Does it have to be red?'

'How do you like my new, deep plush carpet?'

Mister Pretty Shoes

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

'Ever thought of having the place re-carpeted?'

"Do you have a shoe for roaming and prowling?"

"Okay, lady, your new carpet is installed...you can let your dog back in now."

"There's nothing like new carpeting to freshen up a place, I say."

'Darling...I'm afraid the sofa salesmen got the better of me.'

"Wall to wall carpet. Shouldn't that be wall to wall to wall to wall carpet?"

Hee hee hee, watch this - I just shuffled my feet on the carpet.

'OVERSLEPT? All four thousand of them???'

"And remember the rule: when the carpet is old, that's when we hold, when the carpet is new, that's when we spew!"

'I said shag carpeting.'

"I know they're expensive, Evelyn, but like the saying goes...If the Jimmy Choos fit, wear them!"

'I am sorry about this vicar, but my wife has just had new carpets fitted.'

'No - I'll give the underlay a miss.'

That adds life! Before we installed the carpet, I looked down and saw nothing except a blank stair!

'I won't bother you, Mr. Gridley... I just wanted to see how it would feel to walk barefoot on your plush carpeting...'

"And this is the ultimate in low-flush toilets!"

"A secure and restful sleep is guaranteed when this mattress is stuffed with your own money."

Your friend, Ernie, is an impressive, multi-talented guy! He's been a actor in the theater, in archeologist, and now he's a diplomat! He hasn't been any of those things. He used to install doors. Oh, he told me he was "applauded for his entrances." And he was an inspector, book for expired yogurt, at the dairy warehouse. He said he "searcher for ancient cultures." Now he sells mattresses. You think he's a diplomat? Yeah, he told me he's "devoted to eliminating unrest in the world"

Which one? The Times? The Post? Maybe The Tribune? Oh, Phil - Picking out a carpet is so difficult.

"The Firminator. One inch of foam over cement blocks."

"We had an expert restore all the original shag carpeting."

Mattress salesmen are creepy. Especially the ones that lie down on the bed with you.

Bill often considered cutting his armpit hair, but then he'd need to buy carpeting.

'Wall-to-wall carpets go on the floor, not on the walls.'

'He doesn't sell many dress shoes, but he leads the department in slipper sales.'

"I want a pair which says 'fast' even if I'm goin' slow."

"I'm off to the cinema, darling, see you here later."

"Maybe we shouldn't have chosen to buy the super springy mattress!"

"We've got just the thing for someone your age...all our mattresses are made with memory foam."

'Mine!'