Marriage Mischiefs Gifts

'Is it true a Maitre D' has the authority to marry people, just like the captain of a ship?'

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

"I think the ants are mooning me again."

"Who told the quartet to play 'Highway to Hell'?"

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

Dog Obedience School: 'I think we're going to have our work cut out with this one.'

"Which one's yours?"

A man at a cocktail party wears a nametag that reads "Trouble".

"Yes dear, you have worked very hard on the garden. Unfortunately though, you've put the compost on the weeds and the weed killer on my best roses."

"That was definitely mine."

A child and his dog

"Whoa! Hey, can we do that?"

Faust

Cat scratches dog's car.

'Now don't forget, polar bears can be sneaky buggers.'

Boy accidentally hits a man with a snowball

"I'm in here...reallocating Dad's retirement account into junk bonds."

"I know that on-line dating service claims a 90% success rate, but let's face it, Henry, we're in that other ten percent!"

Don't let your your evil twin be your wingman when trying to pick up a woman in a bar.

"Come on, man, think! There's got to be some new, super-annoying way to bother her for food—I know it!"

'Mum said I take after your side of the family, Dad!'

Bridegroom jumps in the hands of his bride after seeing a mouse

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, My husband hates to exercise since it makes him sweat. How do I tell him to shape up? Thanks, SV. *Actual reader question. Haven't you read the scientific research, lady? Exercise is one of the worst things you can do for you body. It leads to pain, sweating, muscle ache, weight loss. On the other hand, research also shows the great health value of yelling at your husband and telling him he's a lazy wretch! The science is divided on the question. One of the great joys of b

A monk finds a little demon in the spine of his holy bible.

"Tonight's top stories—chaos, pandemonium, mayhem, and the latest shenanigans of ____."

Pigeon Master

"Yes, my automatic starter has the technology to start your car as well. I'll show you. Honey! Go start her car!"

"It's the wife - I can't even fight a war in bloody peace!"

'Admit it, Mabel - you've been keeping these non-iron shirts a secret in order to save our marriage, haven't you?'

Naughty Child

Knife splits newly weds on wedding cake

"My husband's lost some interest...can you tattoo me into a giant remote control?"

'They have TWO trees!'

'Leprechaun Anger Management Support Group.'

Did you just trip and fall and drop your bride? You could be eligible for 'America's goofiest home videos'!