Marriage Crisis Gifts

"There's no use denying it, Martin. There's definitely a wedge between us."

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

Wanna talk about it?

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

'Will I still be married?'

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

'We don't text anymore.'

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

"I mean it this time Brian, it's either me or the jazz!"

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

Diplomacy

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'