Marital Crisis Gifts

"Honey, I just spent all our real money buying pretend-money." "Siri, search divorce lawyers in my area."

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Your husband is fooling around."

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

Luke Skywalker- Matrimonial Law

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

'You've got Mr & Mrs Smith at 2.00, Mr & Mrs Jones at 2.30, and at 3.00 your wife has made an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer!'

'Will I still be married?'

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

Diplomacy

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

"I mean it this time Brian, it's either me or the jazz!"

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?