Marital Crisis Gifts

"Honey, I just spent all our real money buying pretend-money." "Siri, search divorce lawyers in my area."

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Your husband is fooling around."

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

'You've got Mr & Mrs Smith at 2.00, Mr & Mrs Jones at 2.30, and at 3.00 your wife has made an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer!'

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

'Will I still be married?'

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

Diplomacy

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."