Marital Tension Gifts

"Ever since you yelled at me I've been getting ads from divorce lawyers."

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"While you're at it Houdini, try and find the last ten years of my life in there."

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

Diplomacy

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

Lady Justice Balances A Marriage Quarrel

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

"...and what has my culinary genius conjured up to delight my taste buds tonight?"

'She says she's never had an affair with David Beckham and she expects me to believe that!'

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

"I'm afraid, we may have to keep your wife in for a few days."

'I'm sorry, but I just can't handle you being out at sea for so long.'

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

"Is it a 'personal attack' if I can prove he’s an idiot?"

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'