Marital Tension Pillows

"Ever since you yelled at me I've been getting ads from divorce lawyers."

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"While you're at it Houdini, try and find the last ten years of my life in there."

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

Diplomacy

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

Lady Justice Balances A Marriage Quarrel

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

"...and what has my culinary genius conjured up to delight my taste buds tonight?"

"Is it a 'personal attack' if I can prove he’s an idiot?"

'I'm sorry, but I just can't handle you being out at sea for so long.'

"I'm afraid, we may have to keep your wife in for a few days."

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

"It's not jsut that he walks upright and uses complex tools. He also makes me laugh."