Marital Stress Gifts

'What a senseless waste. That gas will have to be paid for.'

"I'm at my wick's end with you!"

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

'Will I still be married?'

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

"I mean it this time Brian, it's either me or the jazz!"

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

Diplomacy

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'