Marital Mentor Gifts

"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Face it, Clive - you're bald."

"And another thing: What's that strange clicking thing you do with your beak?"

"I'm here for the hair."

'You've changed since we got married.'

"Now look, Frank, Molly, there's nothing wrong with a Polar Bear and a Penguin being in a relationship. In fact, in my experience, Polar opposites attract!"

"She said, 'I'll go if you go,' and I said, 'I'll go if you go,' and here we are."

"Well if it doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, why don't I be right and you be wrong?"

"I thought we swore never to go to bed angry."

"He says he loves me, but he still uses his first wife's birthday as his password."

"I've learned to give up when I hear Brooklyn in your voice."

'My wife's therapist doesn't understand me.'

'I bet you could walk down the aisle blindfolded now,eh,Gloria?'

'Ask him where he goes every December 24th - because he won't tell me!'

'I leave a few spaces so you can get a few words in edgeways.'

"You're absolutely sure my wife won't be able to find this?"

"You never seem to hear a word I say to you!"

'I agreed to a relationship coach, not a referee.'

It's obvious anniversaries are the lynchpin of the big oil conspiracy. What? Husbands forget them. Which leads to wives pummeling them. Which leads to men making sure they don't forget again. All you had to do was mark it in your calendar! What do you think pens are made of? Pummeling will now commence.

"I will refute my wife's allegations that I'm a work obsessed pedant with the aid of a slideshow presentation."

'Whenever he feels under attack, he calls for backup.'

"May I remind you that our prenuptial agreement called for me to take the plants?"

"It's not what you think."

"Look, I'm not denying the validity of your grievances. I just think they'd be better addressed at home, Helen."

'Please don't interupt-we've only got 45 minutes.'

'Objection over-ruled!'

"I can try, but I've never had a marriage overturned on appeal."

"You will awake feeling refreshed...."

"The good news is, my son is a potential winner, bad news, I'm still buying his lottery tickets."

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

'We're past the 'romantic' phase and into the 'living hell' phase.'

'You deserve one another, but I don't deserve you!'