Marital Coach Gifts

"How come you only loosen up when you've got a cold?"

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"We'll always have couples therapy."

"We first met on the net. We began to court, but between my foul mouth and Wilson being on the rebound...let's just say it was a long shot, but he pressed, and I was defenseless. Now, we're as 'hoopy' as can be."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Too much togetherness can lead to unexpected problems.

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"...until death do you a favor."

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"Well, you both sleep eighteen hours a day, so try to coordinate this to find a window for some quality time together..."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"The whole time we were dating, he kept saying, 'You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!"

"I traded his corncob pipe and his button nose for a buttoned lip, and things couldn't be better."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"My wife complains that I'm cold and self-serving."

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

"I recommend that you two find a way to spice up your shelf life."

'I find that a live rhinoceros rather than an invisible elephant speeds things up considerably.'

Wedding disaster #27.

"We don't talk anymore."

Incompatible.