Marital Dispute Master Gifts

'Everytime I want to talk, you run off to check your damn crab pots!'

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? I just found out my wife got a bonus at work. But instead of buying gifts for my mother and my six brothers, she flew to Maui and sent me a photo of herself eating a seven-course meal. Stop whining. She's given you the best gift a spouse can give ... Something to hold over her head for the rest of your lives. Well ... There is that, I guess.

"I thought we swore never to go to bed angry."

Fishing 'Just what the Hell IS your problem lady??'

'I bet you could walk down the aisle blindfolded now,eh,Gloria?'

'Typical bloody man, you've no idea what loyalty means...it's just self, self...self!'

"He says he loves me, but he still uses his first wife's birthday as his password."

Richard and Wendy Kozier, of Saddle River, New Jersey, with U.N. Peacekeeping Contingent

'I agreed to a relationship coach, not a referee.'

"You never seem to hear a word I say to you!"

"May I remind you that our prenuptial agreement called for me to take the plants?"

'Whenever he feels under attack, he calls for backup.'

"You keep everything bottled up inside."

"Look, I'm not denying the validity of your grievances. I just think they'd be better addressed at home, Helen."

"He's fluent in 24 computer languages and never says a bloody word to me."

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

"I can try, but I've never had a marriage overturned on appeal."

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, Do you agree with Rudy Giuliani? He said the president doesn't love America, because he's always apologizing for it and finding fault with it. Thoughts? *Actual reader question. Sounds EXACTLY like love to me. My husband would disagree, but don't mind him, he's just a quarrelsome know-it-all. Ask Sadie at asksadie@rudypark.com.

'Objection over-ruled!'

'You deserve one another, but I don't deserve you!'

'Well, if you insist on using logic I see little point in continuing this argument.'

'My husband is a very large, loud and obnoxious man. OK, sure, I tried to hire a hit man. But just to hit him.'

'And he seems to think he's God's gift to women.'

"Our marriage has been experiencing a spot of turbulence lately."

'You say he's stubborn, mean, cantankerous, won't take orders, sometimes won't move? Are you talking about your mule or your husband?'

'Right! That's bloody it! I'm calling for the wife-whisperer.'

"Look, like I keep telling what's-her-name here, we don't have a marriage problem."

"Let's be considerate of your wife's opinion and discuss her point that you're an idiot."

'Share your innermost feelings or the remote gets it.'

"This is just like you, beverly. We're supposed to meet alone and you bring your attorney."

"Not right now, Sweetie, mommy's got her own 'Partisan Impasse' to deal with."

"Looks like from now on Jerry's going to be reading about Monday night football in Tuesday morning's paper.