Marital Mediator Gifts

"Look, I'm not denying the validity of your grievances. I just think they'd be better addressed at home, Helen."

"Now what did I do?"

"I thought we swore never to go to bed angry."

'Hell's freezing over. The only thing I can figure is that a couple got through a whole prenup process without a single fight.'

"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry – I didn't know your mom and dad were doing a project together. Is it in the kitchen? Do you want to talk about it?

'And he seems to think he's God's gift to women.'

'I agreed to a relationship coach, not a referee.'

'If you were me you'd have punched you by now for sticking your nose in my business. Now why don't you go back to being you and being somewhere else.'

"There are two sides to every story. The right side and your side."

'Objection over-ruled!'

"No I don't have a motor bike - just a big angry missus!"

'He's so annoying,even my in-laws dislike him!'

'And to sum up: Could someone please call my wife and tell her I'll be late?'

'To you, it's alphabet soup...to me, it's verbal abuse.'

'Whenever he feels under attack, he calls for backup.'

"I can try, but I've never had a marriage overturned on appeal."

"Look, like I keep telling what's-her-name here, we don't have a marriage problem."

"Oh stop whining! Every marriage has to have a fall guy!"

"Are you sure I'm required by law to wear a face mask indoors?"

'You say he's stubborn, mean, cantankerous, won't take orders, sometimes won't move? Are you talking about your mule or your husband?'

'There's an additional problem. You signed a prenuptial agreement with her AND your mother-in-law.'

'You deserve one another, but I don't deserve you!'

'Can't it wait until I get home, dear?'

Marriage Counselors Without Borders

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"I know we have an arrangement, Gayle. Now I want a rearrangement."

"This is just like you, beverly. We're supposed to meet alone and you bring your attorney."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"This isn't really about water. This is about what's going on between us."

X-treme conversation

"Matthew, I'm having a lot of trouble with what you've just said."

"May I remind you that our prenuptial agreement called for me to take the plants?"

"Look, if we never went to bed angry, we'd never sleep."

Brian wanted to call the presentation "Synergy". Paula wanted to call it "Cooperation". They could never agree.

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."