Marriage Mediator Gifts

"The containment dome only muffled him."

"He's fluent in 24 computer languages and never says a bloody word to me."

Richard and Wendy Kozier, of Saddle River, New Jersey, with U.N. Peacekeeping Contingent

'First, I'll give you my side of the story... and then Harry will repeat it.'

'Am I the decision maker, dear?'

'My wife doesn't understand that I need to unwind after work.'

'I've been thinking - if you're allowed to quote your memorable sayings, I should be allowed to quote my memorable retorts.'

"Not right now, Sweetie, mommy's got her own 'Partisan Impasse' to deal with."

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

Married Life - Wife carrying things for husband

'Share your innermost feelings or the remote gets it.'

'Yes, your wedding vows are still binding even if you DID get married during the Clinton administration.'

'Let's make one thing clear. I'm a divorce lawyer, I do not bail people out of unhappy marriages!'

Battle of the Sexes

'Instead of a kiss, could we agree on a handshake instead?'

"My husband wouldn't come so I brought my lawyer."

"We would have divorced years ago if it wasn't for the children - neither of us would take them!"

"Forget the children, consider staying together for the sake of your finances!"

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

'You think I'm crazy; I think you're crazy...finally some common ground!'

'Try and be negative in a positive way.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

She - Interpreter - He.

Changing Minds

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? I just found out my wife got a bonus at work. But instead of buying gifts for my mother and my six brothers, she flew to Maui and sent me a photo of herself eating a seven-course meal. Stop whining. She's given you the best gift a spouse can give ... Something to hold over her head for the rest of your lives. Well ... There is that, I guess.

"And another thing: What's that strange clicking thing you do with your beak?"

'You've changed since we got married.'

We don't call these savage screaming fits. We call them confrontation verbal interfacing.

"She said, 'I'll go if you go,' and I said, 'I'll go if you go,' and here we are."

"I thought we swore never to go to bed angry."

'My wife's therapist doesn't understand me.'

"Go ask your mother ... and I'll tell you why she's wrong."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."