Marital Negotiator Gifts

"Can't you just say 'Scarlatti' instead of "Scarlatti, of course'?"

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? I just found out my wife got a bonus at work. But instead of buying gifts for my mother and my six brothers, she flew to Maui and sent me a photo of herself eating a seven-course meal. Stop whining. She's given you the best gift a spouse can give ... Something to hold over her head for the rest of your lives. Well ... There is that, I guess.

"If this doesn't work, I'm divorcing him!"

"I need to prepare my defence against a strong takeover bid. My wife is going to ask for an increase in her housekeeping money."

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

'You think I'm crazy; I think you're crazy...finally some common ground!'

'Try and be negative in a positive way.'

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

She - Interpreter - He.

Changing Minds

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"Sophia, will you agree to form a joint exploratory committee for marriage?"

"I'll agree to a pre-nup if you'll agree to a non-compete clause."

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

"I thought we swore never to go to bed angry."

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

We pay the maximum minimum wage.

'I agreed to a relationship coach, not a referee.'

A successful meeting! Only one member left in a rage shouting obcenities.

Richard and Wendy Kozier, of Saddle River, New Jersey, with U.N. Peacekeeping Contingent

'Whenever he feels under attack, he calls for backup.'

"I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone that does yard work."

"Just sign it, or I'll post YOUR old report cards on social media."

"May I remind you that our prenuptial agreement called for me to take the plants?"

"Look, I'm not denying the validity of your grievances. I just think they'd be better addressed at home, Helen."

"He's fluent in 24 computer languages and never says a bloody word to me."

"I'll abandon my medium-and shorter-range missiles if you'll abandon yours."

"But it will never get better if you picket"

'I have rather a full schedule today. Could you summarize your grievances of the past 48 years?'

'You deserve one another, but I don't deserve you!'

"If it gets tense in here I might need you to step up and BS-calate things."

"I can try, but I've never had a marriage overturned on appeal."

'Objection over-ruled!'

Perhaps a ceasefire is in order. Terms? I will agree not to pummel you for forgetting our anniversary. You will refrain from pursuing the possibility that I, too, have forgotten it. You will, furthermore, massage my feet in penance for denying me a reason to yell at you. Non-negotiable! Got off easy.