Family Negotiator Gifts

'I have reason to believe that my sister is getting a bigger allowance than me. I think you and mom should be more forthcoming and transparent.'

Surface Tension

'She won't budge on the allowance, but she did present me an 800 page handbook detailing the perks.'

"Instead of an allowance, we want per diem."

'For the last time, I cannot make it to your family's Christmas gathering tonight.'

'Um...Excuuuse me?! Apparently you've forgotten the household peacekeeping policy.'

"I've been talking to my friend Billy, and he reckons you've been under paying me in pocket money for years!"

'No, Billy, I distinctly said that if you mow the lawn you can halve your allowance. That's why we ask for things in writing.'

"Come on dad, there's no need to go all 'Successiony' on me."

"My client, whom I shall refer to as your son, has retained me to represent him in these negotiations regarding an increase in his allowance!"

"One more flip remark out of you and I;m defunding your allowance."

"See, Mom. These are things you could be getting for Mother's Day if you raise my allowance."

"You're related to my second cousin Felicia, right? What about a 'familia' discount?"

"If you want your mum to let you have a dog, tell her you want a pet snake."

'I'll have you know that I'm listening to offers from other families!'

'He can have custody of the kids as long as I have access to his bank account at weekends.'

'I can't believe mom would rather clean the bathroom!!'

'I don't like to take no for an answer, so that's why I go ask the other one.'

Pocket Money Negotiations

"What would it take for Grandma to get a hug?"

'So, from now on, due to economic conditions, you'll be our son on a contract basis, renewable every year. Any questions?'

"Just sign it, or I'll post YOUR old report cards on social media."

You need to stay home and study. Mom! It's an educational opportunity

Rudy says you've asked him to go shopping with you tomorrow. That's right. To be clear, we're talking about Rudy, my nephew, who you profess to dislike with a passion. Profess? Are you suggesting I actually like him? You miserable coot, I'm not merely professing, I genuinely think he's a first-rate materialistic jerk. You're up to something. It's delicious. Stay tuned.

Last week revisited. Uncle Mort, want to come over to my place for Thanksgiving? Can't. Sadie and I are having it at her place. How nice of you. What? I'd love to. What can I bring? Beautifully played, no? She'll kill me. I'd love to. How nice.

"It's your mother with a rebuttal."

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

'Here comes your Daddy - Do you want me to do the talking?'

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? I just found out my wife got a bonus at work. But instead of buying gifts for my mother and my six brothers, she flew to Maui and sent me a photo of herself eating a seven-course meal. Stop whining. She's given you the best gift a spouse can give ... Something to hold over her head for the rest of your lives. Well ... There is that, I guess.

"Sophia, will you agree to form a joint exploratory committee for marriage?"

'Duly noted. Now, shall we move on or does anyone else feel the need to have a conniption?'

"I'll agree to a pre-nup if you'll agree to a non-compete clause."

'So we're agreed: we'll go to mediation.'

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'