Family Negotiators Gifts

"We want to make sure that your wish for us to give you grandchildren has nothing to do with your concerns about future vacancies at your chicken processing plant."

'You think I'm crazy; I think you're crazy...finally some common ground!'

'Try and be negative in a positive way.'

Changing Minds

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? I just found out my wife got a bonus at work. But instead of buying gifts for my mother and my six brothers, she flew to Maui and sent me a photo of herself eating a seven-course meal. Stop whining. She's given you the best gift a spouse can give ... Something to hold over her head for the rest of your lives. Well ... There is that, I guess.

'Here comes your Daddy - Do you want me to do the talking?'

'So we're agreed: we'll go to mediation.'

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

We pay the maximum minimum wage.

"Go ask your mother ... and I'll tell you why she's wrong."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

A successful meeting! Only one member left in a rage shouting obcenities.

"He just talked me into giving him a 200% raise in his allowance. At least we don't have to worry about him not succeeding in business when he grows up."

"Just sign it, or I'll post YOUR old report cards on social media."

"Someday, my dimwitted son, all this will belong to your sister."

'I'm NOT being a tattle-tale! -- I'm being a reliable source!'

"Oh, yeah? Well, we just put out a contract on you too!!!"

"But it will never get better if you picket"

"I'm sorry madam but we don't make them go missing."

"If it gets tense in here I might need you to step up and BS-calate things."

'I understand yours is a highly coveted position in this company.'

'Sometimes it's good to get a different perspective.'

'What split would you settle for, fifty fifty?' - 'As long as I get the hyphen as well.'

'Um...Excuuuse me?! Apparently you've forgotten the household peacekeeping policy.'

'Only two cookies? What is this -- a quota system?'

"My client, whom I shall refer to as your son, has retained me to represent him in these negotiations regarding an increase in his allowance!"

"I'm sorry, 'Because I said so' is not an acceptable answer."

Unison plans strikes

The Supreme Court, Juvenile Divisio: "As usual, the obvious precedent for this case is the children v. Mommy."

A policeman and protester in the same family.

"I wanted to give Christmas bonuses but that would violate the separation of church and business."

"You shouldn't be ashamed of yourself. A lot of parents aren't smart enough to help their 7-year-old with their homework."

You need to stay home and study. Mom! It's an educational opportunity