Household Negotiator Gifts

'I'm 10 years old, now. Don't you think that's long enough to be working without a contract.'

'It's your mother. She wants to know if she can help with the dishes.'

"Mom said you should empty the dishwasher since I helped her update her phone and computer. It pays to be smart."

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"Sophia, will you agree to form a joint exploratory committee for marriage?"

'Here comes your Daddy - Do you want me to do the talking?'

"I'll agree to a pre-nup if you'll agree to a non-compete clause."

'So we're agreed: we'll go to mediation.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Woman puts a targeting sight on her vacuum cleaner.

'I always feel at the end of the day I could've taken credit for more.'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"Just sign it, or I'll post YOUR old report cards on social media."

"I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone that does yard work."

"I'll abandon my medium-and shorter-range missiles if you'll abandon yours."

'I understand yours is a highly coveted position in this company.'

'Well, since you put it like that, I suppose we could reduce the price of the property slightly.'

'Only two cookies? What is this -- a quota system?'

'Um...Excuuuse me?! Apparently you've forgotten the household peacekeeping policy.'

"My client, whom I shall refer to as your son, has retained me to represent him in these negotiations regarding an increase in his allowance!"

"I wanted to give Christmas bonuses but that would violate the separation of church and business."

'I survive here because I understand the pecking order.'

The Manager's Wife.

"We want to make sure that your wish for us to give you grandchildren has nothing to do with your concerns about future vacancies at your chicken processing plant."

'No, I'm not interested in hearing a counter proposal.'

'That's Burt. Some developer made him an offer for his park bench he couldn't refuse.'

"Come on dad, there's no need to go all 'Successiony' on me."

'According to this pre-nup, if I marry you I have to wait 24 months to upgrade.'

Surface Tension

"...and then I'll tell you when I plan to go on holiday."

'She won't budge on the allowance, but she did present me an 800 page handbook detailing the perks.'

"I'll have to get back to you—I'm going into a tunnel."

"Why do you have to come? Because I went to your Super Bowl, that's why."