Household Negotiator Pillows

'I'm 10 years old, now. Don't you think that's long enough to be working without a contract.'

'It's your mother. She wants to know if she can help with the dishes.'

"Mom said you should empty the dishwasher since I helped her update her phone and computer. It pays to be smart."

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? I just found out my wife got a bonus at work. But instead of buying gifts for my mother and my six brothers, she flew to Maui and sent me a photo of herself eating a seven-course meal. Stop whining. She's given you the best gift a spouse can give ... Something to hold over her head for the rest of your lives. Well ... There is that, I guess.

"Sophia, will you agree to form a joint exploratory committee for marriage?"

'Here comes your Daddy - Do you want me to do the talking?'

"I'll agree to a pre-nup if you'll agree to a non-compete clause."

'So we're agreed: we'll go to mediation.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Woman puts a targeting sight on her vacuum cleaner.

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

'I always feel at the end of the day I could've taken credit for more.'

"I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone that does yard work."

"Just sign it, or I'll post YOUR old report cards on social media."

"I'll abandon my medium-and shorter-range missiles if you'll abandon yours."

'I understand yours is a highly coveted position in this company.'

'Only two cookies? What is this -- a quota system?'

'Um...Excuuuse me?! Apparently you've forgotten the household peacekeeping policy.'

'Well, since you put it like that, I suppose we could reduce the price of the property slightly.'

"My client, whom I shall refer to as your son, has retained me to represent him in these negotiations regarding an increase in his allowance!"

"We want to make sure that your wish for us to give you grandchildren has nothing to do with your concerns about future vacancies at your chicken processing plant."

The Manager's Wife.

You need to stay home and study. Mom! It's an educational opportunity

'I survive here because I understand the pecking order.'

"I wanted to give Christmas bonuses but that would violate the separation of church and business."

'That's Burt. Some developer made him an offer for his park bench he couldn't refuse.'

"Come on dad, there's no need to go all 'Successiony' on me."

'According to this pre-nup, if I marry you I have to wait 24 months to upgrade.'

Last week revisited. Uncle Mort, want to come over to my place for Thanksgiving? Can't. Sadie and I are having it at her place. How nice of you. What? I'd love to. What can I bring? Beautifully played, no? She'll kill me. I'd love to. How nice.

'No, I'm not interested in hearing a counter proposal.'

Surface Tension

'She won't budge on the allowance, but she did present me an 800 page handbook detailing the perks.'

"...and then I'll tell you when I plan to go on holiday."