Home Negotiator Gifts

'I flatly refuse to give him fringe benefits before dinner!'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? I just found out my wife got a bonus at work. But instead of buying gifts for my mother and my six brothers, she flew to Maui and sent me a photo of herself eating a seven-course meal. Stop whining. She's given you the best gift a spouse can give ... Something to hold over her head for the rest of your lives. Well ... There is that, I guess.

'Duly noted. Now, shall we move on or does anyone else feel the need to have a conniption?'

"Of course, I'm willing to negotiate. . ."

'So we're agreed: we'll go to mediation.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

'I always feel at the end of the day I could've taken credit for more.'

'What if I promise not to look?'

'You've got just 2 minutes to pack then you are on OUR time and I'm going to start charging you rent!'

"Just sign it, or I'll post YOUR old report cards on social media."

"I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone that does yard work."

'I understand yours is a highly coveted position in this company.'

'Um...Excuuuse me?! Apparently you've forgotten the household peacekeeping policy.'

'Well, since you put it like that, I suppose we could reduce the price of the property slightly.'

'Only two cookies? What is this -- a quota system?'

"I wanted to give Christmas bonuses but that would violate the separation of church and business."

The Manager's Wife.

"We want to make sure that your wish for us to give you grandchildren has nothing to do with your concerns about future vacancies at your chicken processing plant."

"My client, whom I shall refer to as your son, has retained me to represent him in these negotiations regarding an increase in his allowance!"

You need to stay home and study. Mom! It's an educational opportunity

'Sorry...I don't deal with lease issues.'

Bedtime Real Estate Distribution (for dog owners)

'No, I'm not interested in hearing a counter proposal.'

"Come on dad, there's no need to go all 'Successiony' on me."

"How much are they for my rent? About three times a week!"

Last week revisited. Uncle Mort, want to come over to my place for Thanksgiving? Can't. Sadie and I are having it at her place. How nice of you. What? I'd love to. What can I bring? Beautifully played, no? She'll kill me. I'd love to. How nice.

'That's Burt. Some developer made him an offer for his park bench he couldn't refuse.'

'Dickson, how many times do I have to tell you, don't start out with the price!'

Surface Tension

'She won't budge on the allowance, but she did present me an 800 page handbook detailing the perks.'

"...and then I'll tell you when I plan to go on holiday."

'I thought I'd keep this first meeting friendly, so I've come without my company accountant.'

"Can't you just say 'Scarlatti' instead of "Scarlatti, of course'?"