Parental Negotiators Gifts

'Here comes your Daddy - Do you want me to do the talking?'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"Three yummies, a pat on the head, and a 'Good doggy.' That's my client's final offer."

"I've memorized so many passwords, things are starting to get weird."

"When the new employment laws come in parenting is going to be a whole lot easier...."

"He just talked me into giving him a 200% raise in his allowance. At least we don't have to worry about him not succeeding in business when he grows up."

"Just sign it, or I'll post YOUR old report cards on social media."

'Do what I did. Tell your mother you want a pet snake. Then she'll get you a dog.'

'Um...Excuuuse me?! Apparently you've forgotten the household peacekeeping policy.'

'Only two cookies? What is this -- a quota system?'

You need to stay home and study. Mom! It's an educational opportunity

"We want to make sure that your wish for us to give you grandchildren has nothing to do with your concerns about future vacancies at your chicken processing plant."

"My client, whom I shall refer to as your son, has retained me to represent him in these negotiations regarding an increase in his allowance!"

"You do realize this may affect my review of you on Yelp?"

'If you let me read the SPORTS section, I just may consider moving.'

"You call it training, I call it an apprenticeship. Now pay up."

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the computer equipment.'

"Come on dad, there's no need to go all 'Successiony' on me."

Last week revisited. Uncle Mort, want to come over to my place for Thanksgiving? Can't. Sadie and I are having it at her place. How nice of you. What? I'd love to. What can I bring? Beautifully played, no? She'll kill me. I'd love to. How nice.

'No, I'm not interested in hearing a counter proposal.'

'Uh, Molly...Who's your little friend?'

'She won't budge on the allowance, but she did present me an 800 page handbook detailing the perks.'

Surface Tension

'Let's get ready for daycare!!'

"Do you have any other snack concepts?"

Where did you hide my laptop? Hint: You'll never find it. So obvious, dad. Under his dirty laundry. No chores all week if you don't tell.

'I don't care whether you think it's an affront to your 'Human Rights', I still want you to go to the naughty corner!'

Stroll a Kid: $10 One Hour, $6 1/2 Hour.

"What would it take for Grandma to get a hug?"

'He can have custody of the kids as long as I have access to his bank account at weekends.'

'I flatly refuse to give him fringe benefits before dinner!'

"Mom said you should empty the dishwasher since I helped her update her phone and computer. It pays to be smart."

'I'd like to get a new cat but I have a husband.'

"Working from home he misses his meetings."

'I have reason to believe that my sister is getting a bigger allowance than me. I think you and mom should be more forthcoming and transparent.'