Marital Negotiator T-Shirts

"Can't you just say 'Scarlatti' instead of "Scarlatti, of course'?"

"If this doesn't work, I'm divorcing him!"

"I need to prepare my defence against a strong takeover bid. My wife is going to ask for an increase in her housekeeping money."

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

'You think I'm crazy; I think you're crazy...finally some common ground!'

'Try and be negative in a positive way.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

She - Interpreter - He.

Changing Minds

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"Sophia, will you agree to form a joint exploratory committee for marriage?"

"I'll agree to a pre-nup if you'll agree to a non-compete clause."

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

"I thought we swore never to go to bed angry."

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

We pay the maximum minimum wage.

A successful meeting! Only one member left in a rage shouting obcenities.

'I agreed to a relationship coach, not a referee.'

Richard and Wendy Kozier, of Saddle River, New Jersey, with U.N. Peacekeeping Contingent

'Whenever he feels under attack, he calls for backup.'

"May I remind you that our prenuptial agreement called for me to take the plants?"

"Just sign it, or I'll post YOUR old report cards on social media."

"I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone that does yard work."

"Look, I'm not denying the validity of your grievances. I just think they'd be better addressed at home, Helen."

"He's fluent in 24 computer languages and never says a bloody word to me."

"I'll abandon my medium-and shorter-range missiles if you'll abandon yours."

'You deserve one another, but I don't deserve you!'

'I have rather a full schedule today. Could you summarize your grievances of the past 48 years?'

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

"If it gets tense in here I might need you to step up and BS-calate things."

'Objection over-ruled!'

"Oh, yeah? Well, we just put out a contract on you too!!!"

"But it will never get better if you picket"

"I can try, but I've never had a marriage overturned on appeal."