Loyalty Program Guru Gifts

'Of course I have your loyalty card - Can you tell me which one it is?'

"As a friend, I pray you rest in peace. As a dog, I really want to dig you up."

"Just gotta wait 'till she wakes up."

"And now, since our local teams really stink, here are scores for actual good teams around the country that you might want to root for."

"Cheer up, Simon. . . I'm always here for you!"

'This is a personal insult to me and my family. Paulie, word is you regifted that horse's head I gave you last month. . .'

"I'm supposed to be loyal, relieve stress, be 'Man's best friend'...I don't need this kind of pressure!"

We're so pleased with your twenty years work, we've decided to offer you a two year short term contract.

'I applied the instant rebate and the returning customer loyalty reward, so that comes to fifty cents.'

"Can I interest you in our frequent flyer scheme?"

You've Got Mail

'Fetching your slippers when you were chairman of the board was one thing, but now that you're an ordinary citizen...'

"I hate to break it to you, but you weren't his best friend."

"This is as far as your air miles take you."

'And how many frequent flyer miles do you have?'

'Uh oh, looks like he had a tough day at the office: Let's jump around to cheer him up...'

'Everywhere that Mary went, I was sure to go. Now, I follow her son...'

"Wow, you've got tons of loyalty points. Someone's a good boy!"

Dog following it's master out of a windows.

"I know he is now our richest client but he is very loyal!"

The whole club stands behind the coach...

"As a reward for 25 years of faithful service, here's your new cubical...it's 8% bigger!"

"The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog." - Ambrose Bierce

Punch Card: 'The next divorce is on me.'

'I'm a frequent flier, so it's really quite cheap.'

'He was a very good dog.'

'All those years you struggled financially, I stood by you. It's my turn for a little piece of the pie.'

"After we got Buster fixed, he no longer wants to be our best friend."

Is there anything you want to say to me? Get back to work? I pay you too much? I can hire a migrant worker for half your pay and he won't complain to me in English? And he probably won't be loyal to you and this cafe for 20 years. Twenty years. Twenty years. It's your 20-year anniversary? I'm assuming that's the extent of your acknowledgment of this momentous occasion, and I should not expect a cake. You may have a day-old cruller for half price.

'It's not exactly 'cheap' healthcare, but for each test we run, you accumulate frequent-test reward points.'

"Are you a platinum card member?"

"Will that be all, sir?"

'Let's not let some silly carpet come between us being best friends, Carl...'

My latest invention is genius. It's an affinity card for our best customers. That's not a new idea. Airlines, rental car agencies, hotels … They all have loyalty programs where you can earn discounts and special treatment. Spare me. Ours has a way better name: The Cafe Exclusive VIP Premier Executive Best Customer Reward Program. And we don't trouble customers with confusing discounts and benefits. All hail the VIP premier cheapskate.

"He has a lot of followers on Twitter, but we're the only ones who follow him in real life."